Letting go of Negative Thoughts
Last week, I hosted my annual mind mapping workshop with my dear friend, co-mentor, and fellow coach, Pamela O’Leary for this year’s Techwomen Emerging Leaders. We have long delivered this workshop that starts with 1) a grounding meditation before leading into 2) a game that builds aknowledgement and connection among our attendees, and finishes with 3) my mind mapping workshop on how to break down big goals into actionable steps and implementation.
As we wrapped up # 2, we checked in with our Emerging Leaders (EL) to see what insights and thoughts came up for them as they paired up and answered this questions to each other:
“What makes you a badass?”
For definition, I liked this description from Popular Culture: What It Means to Be a Badass in Psychology Today: “A real badass is driven by values such as responsibility, justice, honor, courage, compassion, humility, integrity, and selflessness…A badass is someone who does the dirty jobs; the jobs that other people don’t want to do…A badass does what needs to be done, no matter how difficult it is, without complaint or need for fanfare. A badass doesn’t take the path of least resistance…A badass is someone who stands up for the weak and oppressed, speaks the truth, and calls out those who lie, cheat, and steal. A badass is someone who takes a “hit for the team,” meaning puts others’ needs ahead of their own.”
For context, this group of women come from the TechWomen Program, a U.S. State Department run program that brings 100 women from the Middle East, Central Asia, and Africa to bay area tech companies for a one month mentorship. This program is harder to get into than Harvard with a 2.5% acceptance rate where 4,000 applicants are down selected to 100 Emerging Leaders per year. The women I have met through this program range from Masters and PhDs, to entrepreneaurs, to heads of department. In essense, these women are badass.
One of the ELs shared that she had difficulty seeing how she was a “badass” or someone who was a super woman because she had all these negative thoughts that tell her she can’t. Had you met her, she would be one of those people whose energy and confidence could light up a room from her passion alone.
Several others nodded in agreement.
I thought to myself, if these amazing change-making women are accomplishing all that they are now with these thoughts in their mind…how much are they limiting their potential by keeping those there?
I looked to Pamela as she started to close out the feedback session and transition to my portion of the workshop. I asked her, “Can I make a spontaneous change to our agenda?”
She smiled back, and said “Go with what you feel. I trust you.” She looked back out at the group, thanked them for their engagement and passed it off to me. (Side note: Have people like Pamela in your life. Someone who inspires, trusts, and empowers you to be the best version of yourself).
I began by having everyone grab out a pen and paper that they could tear out of a notebook. After setting a timer for 2 minutes, I instructed everyone:
“For the next few minutes, I want you to write down every negative thought you have on the paper in front of you. Write until you can’t write anymore.”
They began to write. I watched as each person in this circle of 20 people poured their lightest and deepest levels of self doubt, rejection, and negative talk onto a paper in front of them.
The timer softly notified us of time. Scribbling continued. I silenced it and added a minute more.
Ping. Another minute had passed. I let them continue writing. Release in the present moment was more important than time keeping. I silently waited as pens were slowly placed to the ground.
I asked:
“Read everything you wrote on that paper, the front, the back, the sides. If someone said these things to you every day…would you want to keep them as a friend?”
Heads shook.
I asked: “So why are we keeping them around any longer?”
Heads nodded. Smiles appeared.
As they had been writing, I prepared a ceremonial bag to let these thoughts go (a.k.a my tote bag placed between the two parasols I had brought for shade).
“Read those statements one more time, once and for all. Acknolwedge them. When you’re ready, I want you to walk over to that bag, and tear that paper to shreds as you let go of those negative thoughts and leave them there.”
I stood there in silence as one by one, each person walked up to the bag and let go of the baggage that was holding them back. Some cried, some cheered, some let out the deepest breathe as she expelled the negative energy from her system.
As we all congregated back into our circle, I looked at them all and said:
Now that we have let those negative thoughts go…let’s talk about what your dreams and life could be. Let’s now freely imagine what the life we could have, the person we could be, the things we could do, the changes we could make in this world. Let’s get into mind mapping and making that future a reality in ways that are actionable and achievable.
Onward we went into mind mapping in a space that was free from those thoughts that held these powerhouse women back.
As Pamela and I wrapped up our workshop, I sensed the change in energy from the group. We started the day from many different places (mentally, emotionally, physically), grew up in even further places away, but we journeyed together for the afternoon in our vulnerability.
For an afternoon, we found ourselves on the same page. Ready to take on the world and create the change we hope to see.
A few closing thoughts on negative thoughts:
I sometimes forget that I’m managing through my own negative thoughts throughout the day. It takes so much energy to manage and yet we deal with it like chronic pain. The thing though, is that negative thought doesn’t have to be chronic and, in reality, those negative thoughts exist because stronger parts of us want to protect the more vulnerable sides of ourselves.
When we tell ourselves, “I’m out of shape” It’s because somewhere in us, there’s a version of ourself that is worried about our physical health. Staying healthy is important, but instead of the voice saying “I’m overweight,” we could practice some compassion for ourselves and say, “This isn’t the shape I want to be in, but I believe in myself to change that. I am empowered to get healthier by building small and easy steps to get there,” or “This is a new version of myself and I can learn to love myself just the way I am.”
How much more empowered would we be if we were able to own our negative thoughts and take positive actions instead? How many of those negative thoughts are constructive criticisms that we can own and change for ourselves because we are the only ones with the power to do so? How many of those negative thoughts are self doubts we need to let go of to reach our true potential for creating positive change?
Practice of Letting Go of Your Negative Thoughts
With negative thoughts, we can treat it by becoming aware of it, acknowledging it for what it is trying to protect us from, and letting it go. If you would like to try the exercise from my workshop follow these steps:
- Grab a piece of paper and pen
- Set a time for 3 minutes
- Write down every negative thought you can think of that comes to mind
- At 3 minutes (or a little more if you need some time), look at what you wrote.
- Ask yourself, “Would you want to hang out with someone like this?”
- Think to yoursef, “If this person were more compassionate and supportive, how might those statements change? What would the constructive version of those be?” Write this down on a separate piece of paper and keep that.
- Take one last look at your negative thought paper, go to your nearest recycling bin or fire pit and tear that paper to shreds. Before you tear it, take a deep breath in. As you breathe out, tear it and breathe out those negative thoughts.
- Repeat when necessary.
This is one way I handle negative thoughts. How do you manage yours?
