Pieces Left Behind
This has been on my mind for some time now. As someone who has called a number of places “home” and found many I consider family and friends near and far, I can’t help but think I am never quite whole.
I have felt loved and fulfilled to the point of tears, and I have felt the pain of my heart ripping after what may or may not be the last time I hug someone.
See, it’s kind of hard to describe, but here’s my best shot.
In the span of two weeks once in August 2019, I was “Welcomed Home.”
- The first was at Burning Man, as I returned to the playa to greet my fellow Burning Man community,
- The second was when I returned from Burning Man to San Francisco, my hometown.
- The third was when I returned to my apartment in New York after flying a red eye back to my apartment before school started.
How fortunate is it to call so many places home? It is a gift and yet I wonder, though we reach these highs from having so many homes, will I ever be whole again? Will I ever not miss one thing over the other?
The answer is no. I won’t ever be fully whole.
But no, is not a bad thing.
“No” means that I have experienced more in life at different points in time. “No” means that my range of experiences spans a much greater spectrum of highs (and lows) that I previously did not imagine I could experience. “No” means that I can pause and reflect to take note of where I am and what it truly means to be here, present, in my space.
As someone who is not married, I used to wonder why people said that their wedding day was the happiest day of their lives. Well, I experienced my own version of a wedding the week before I moved for New York in January 2019. I organized a farewell party and invited all my friends in the bay area to come see me before my big move.
For 4 hours, I felt like I was on the moon with the biggest hug embracing my soul. Friends from all walks of life ranging from elementary school through college and beyond, hobbies spanning from salsa to rock climbing all came together in one place. Universes were colliding and it blew my mind. For the first time, I understood exactly why people’s wedding days were so special; it’s the closest our hearts get to becoming whole again. Our pieces left behind in all these different places connect together and form a version of your heart.
One cannot feel pain if they didn’t love to begin with. As life throws curve balls that lead to exuberant joy and debilitating loss, I remind myself that this is all part of the journey. Our hearts grow. We leave pieces behind. We reassemble it again and evolve it with the everchanging seasons of life.
This is what life is. This is what being alive feels like.